A year ago today, I flew to Switzerland by myself to begin a 12-day journey that would take me through the chocolatiers of old town Zurich, to the train station in Milan, Italy, to the Amalfi Coast, and then back to Zurich. I had enough frequent flyer miles saved up to fly across the Atlantic in first-class, which I’ve never sat in before. I was bummed that as I popped a Klonopin and prepared for takeoff, the flight attendant came around with champagne to toast our journey. Obviously, this doesn’t happen in coach, otherwise I would have held off on the Klonopin and gulped down some champagne instead (I’m not gutsy enough to combine benzodiazepenes with alcohol as some do).
Today, I won’t be going anywhere. Well, maybe the grocery store, but that’s about it.
I love traveling alone. I also love being married and being a mother. But traveling alone doesn’t jive well with motherhood in particular. It’s easier to explain to a spouse with his own needs and interests about your own needs and interests. Much harder to explain to a tween daughter where you’ve gone off to and why.
(Strolling Zurich solo)
Working from home as a writer allows me to be more in the weeds with regards to parenting, and I wouldn’t go back to my office days even if you threw a high six figures at me. Most days, I am home doing what moms and dads do: driving my kid to school, driving my kid to swim practice, driving my kid to art class, driving my kid to the orthodontist, driving my kid to tutoring, driving my kid and her friends. When I’m not a chauffeur, I am a referee, nurse, tutor, coach, cheerleader, psychologist, events coordinator or annoyed office manager (though none of this appears on my resume), and evenings are capped with snuggles in bed, giggles, a download about the day’s events, a catch-up on who said what to whom, reminders of what’s on the calendar for tomorrow, or the occasional admonishing for dropping the ball on a homework assignment. In between all of this, I advocate digital detox: I tell my daughter it’s time to unplug and read a book or it’s time to put her phone down and finish her breakfast or that she has spent too much time on YouTube, which we’re all guilty of.
It’s mundane, but precious, and I relish all of it, for her childhood is whizzing by. But I also like to take off by myself. I started doing this when Anna was age 10. Why should I have to choose? Why should mothers be one thing and not another? When I was in Cuba last spring, my waiter appeared stunned that I was gallivanting the globe while my husband was home with our kid. I recognize cultures, social structures, households and all the expectations that come within those systems and environmental microcosms vary greatly not just country to country but even within the United States, from one family to another. I’m not assuming we all want or choose the same things in the same way.
(Anna on her first international trip to Montego Bay, Jamaica, March 2007)
However, my guess is that fathers who work, clean their houses and care for their kids aren’t asked about what they’re doing when they’re sitting alone on a plane or train. Women are. “Who’s taking care of the kids?” is a common question I get, as if my daughter only had one parent. When I’m traveling, Mike runs the household without me micromanaging affairs from afar. We aren’t some 2017 matriarchy. He parents, he cooks, he cleans, he feeds cats and chickens, he takes out the garbage, he puts in a full day telecommuting and getting his office job deliverables delivered. Honestly, it’s not complicated.
Being a mom, while very fulfilling, also means being tethered—this is especially true if your child is part of the school system, and you’re now under the tyranny of the school calendar and she’s got a big science project due soon involving hot glue and wires. During these days, which outnumber the days I fly to Switzerland first-class, or fly anywhere for that matter, I read about other people going places, usually guys globetrotting—and it’s *always* guys. I follow Andrew Evans’ travels, and really look forward to buying his book. I just finished Steve Hely’s “The Wonder Trail,”, who was making his way from Los Angeles down into South America at an age when I was running my toddler to daycare so I could get to the office on time. Before I read Hely, I read Ian McGuire’s “The North Water,” a fictional account of dudes exploring the dangerous North Atlantic. Now I’m reading “Astoria” by Peter Stark, about the doomed Astor expedition to Oregon. I’ve also been flipping through Darwin’s journal entries as he sailed the globe aboard the HMS Beagle from 1831 to 1836.
See a pattern here?
There are women travel writers out there, though the ones people often toss back at me when I mention this point are: Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote “Eat, Pray, Love,” which doesn’t interest me (sorry, Elizabeth), plus Ms. Gilbert doesn’t have kids, and Cheryl Strayed, author of “Wild,” which I did read and liked, though Strayed hiked the Pacific Trail before having kids, and wrote the book after becoming a mother to two.
Please don’t misunderstand. That I get to go anywhere is joy, though it makes me hungry for more. That I got to board a plane to Switzerland and ride in first-class is a privilege I am constantly grateful to have had. I know mothers who can barely leave their homes or routines because so much is demanded of them, they are too busy meeting the daily needs of others. I know this because I grew up in it, a single-mom home where cash flow was a constant problem. To have a flight attendant stroll past and offer me champagne, or later, on the return flight, roll up with an ice cream trolley and serve me a custom-made sundae with all my favorite toppings is a gift. I mean, listen to me—here we are an entire year later and I’m still gushing about the experience! I’m replaying the day in my mind even as I type this blog post.
We take international family trips, and those are awesome, too, but there is something special about jet-setting on your own. The focus centers on discovery, not making sure everyone is doing okay, getting enough to eat, is wearing seatbelts, has enough to remain occupied during the flight or car ride or wherever we might be going. Our daughter has visited nine countries in the past decade, with more to come. In fact, we have to renew her passport this weekend because without a current passport, we can’t even get to Canada, and the Trump administration has been pissing off so many countries, I’m worried Puerto Rico might close the door on us and we’ll be stuck.
But even as we go on these family adventures, I sometimes wonder if I was some European sailor in a past life. I get seasick easily, and open water terrifies me (maybe as a result of being a sailor in a past life?), but at the same time I have this constant tug to keep going, to see places where I know no one, to get on a train, a boat, a plane and go forward. Novelty lures me. Constantly. I can’t explain it. Wanderlust and motherhood are a tricky mix. I’m not sure I’m doing a great job at either, yet I swing back and forth between the two, perhaps one inspiring the other.